DOMA = Died On My Ass. I BOMBED, there was this guy shouting out "shiiiiite SHIIIITE!" all the way through. I really started to lose it, my throat got so dry and I was missing whole syllables. You win some you lose some, this small group of trendy looking youngsters said they thought I was great - good for them!

Matthew Crosby Was on before me - he was great, I saw him before at the 99p club & he was awesome there too. I'm so glad he left before I went on.

It's weird the idea of asking for another gig at this place, it's like crapping in someone's car then asking to borrow it again.

Yehhh - Pear Shaped is COOL - really like it there, although usually there are more comedians than punters - on a good night it's about 50/50. They have 3 different compares - BRIAN DAMAGE & KRYSSTAL do great silly songs & very fine stand-up - there's this bloke JIMBO who's just this mad old guy and he looks JUST like a friend of mine HOOTON but olded up - he has all these AWFUL jokes but he's just hilarious anyway & keeps on forgetting everything. He was comparing one night & this Chinese girl did a set - he came on after & said "Ohh - sorry about those Chinese jokes earlier........ hang on... I didn't do them". Anthony Miller is the other chap who looks like a paedo & does really good political stuff & he's clearly very experienced but in a very silly way .

All the other acts were good tonight - all had a years+ experience which was very encouraging cause they all had excellent on stage personas & so it just shows that comes with experience. The material was pretty so-so for most of them, it was all about the delivery - very encouraging.

I felt good up there tonight, I did a whole new set as my old stuff was getting too character driven & it was annoying me.

I've just started a new contract and it's bloody boring. I must be very sensitive to environments cause this job is no different to anywhere else and yet the day just drags along - it's unbelievable how slowly it goes. The agency who got me this job said "Ohh you'll love the office it's mad there - they have a bar and everything!" - a bar, at work, how exciting, those hedons - imagine if you will, an office - right? But with a bar at the ground floor!! Now you might be forgiven for thinking that's a bit like an office - with a bar NEAR it - but you'd be wrong, this is much much MUCH more depressing.

Please note I am about to backdate 2 blog entries to correspond with gigs I done did.

Look into the passsst young ranger *vanishes*

I have a *great* first gig story!!

I arrived at this place ay 7pm knowing I had to flyer the club. What I didn't realise is it was flyering with a golf sale style sign. I jokingly said to the promoter:
"Please don't make me hold the sign - I don't want to prove my parents right that I would be holding one of these for a living"
"If you don't like it you can fuck off home" he replied - not a good start to my comedy career.

Those signs weigh a TON - I couldn't get the thing up the stairs without smashing up the place a bit & I dropped the flyers everywhere. It was a lot like carrying a cross 'One crucifix each - line on your right'. I started to get into this weird downtrodden comedian character - just trying to make a living. You're supposed to stay still with these signs but I thought it was much funnier to drag it around & go up to people and be really overbearing -



"Would you like to come and see the funny people sir? They do treat me well"
"Please come along, they won't let me drink any water until I've given out these flyers."
...and my personal favorite -
"You can bring your rucksack if you like sir..." As the gentleman passed me I realised that far from being a rucksack he was carrying a baby on his back! How I laughed.

Most people were very amused by my antics - however the following people were NOT:

1. Posher than posh opera & theatre goers - they look like something out of a dickens novel and they are so rich they can barely even speak. They just hurry past me wincing as if I'm a homeless person trying to wank on them.

2. Young Equinox goers or general teen-plant-life. I had a couple of girls just staring and staring at me with this big fucking scowl on their centimeter deep makeup faces. "What's her problem? I fink she finks she's funny or something" Oh go back to Watford you silly bitches.

3. The classic of people coming up going "Gaaahn - tell us a joke then, tell us a joke!" Oh go and FUCK each other - do you go up to a vicar demanding they "Do a eulogy, do a eulogy!" Wankers. Although admittedly I wish I did have a cracking little joke to tell people when they asked me that, but I don't - I just have this one liner about new Orleans and another about the AIDS monkey.

Anyway - after about 2 hours we were allowed to stop, The promoter looks annoyed "We almost always sell out on a Friday and we haven't tonight..." I immediately feel guilty "I think I heard someone say Cats is free tonight". To add to the humiliation - none of the comics are actually allowed in the venue - we all have to hovel together in a corridor by the kitchen. It's amazing how making a complete twat of yourself in London's biggest tourist area can prepare you for something like this, I wasn't nervous at all - the problem is I can't get out of this downtrodden character - I'm going through my lines but they are coming out wierd.

The first guy goes on, he comes back 8 minutes later - as white as a sheet - looks like he's going to cry "Steve's here" - all the other comedians gasp & hold their heads "Who the FUCk is Steve!??" I rightly ask. Turns out Steve is this mentally ill guy that often comes along to this night - he doesn't shut up the whole time with a mixture of mental guy noises and genuine heckles - I'm mortified, and on after the interval.

Well the gig went OK - everyone seemed to like me & I didn't get too much hassle off that Steve guy - I told him he reminded me of my dad (cause he's sick too) and complimented him on his phone and he pretty much left me alone. We were actually allowed into the venue for the 3rd section - I was eager to see what the competition gets up to - I was less than impressed. The compare seemed to think it would be a good idea to warm up the crown by threatening & verbally abusing the resident spacker - the crowd were completely dead by now, the compare was totally losing it & the guy next to me is going on next - he just said "I want to go home, I want to go home now"

So there you go - all in all I went very well, the promoter said that I was excellent for an act that had done fuck all gigs and excellent for an act that had done 50+ - I was very flattered - nobody really laughed that much, I just got that kind of nervous "I don't get it but you're funnee" laughs - mind you I'm a very poor judge of audience I always think nobody laughs & then when I record it & hear laughter I figure it's because the mic was too near one of those people that just laughs at everything.

Well. Well well well. Well.

The aforementioned course in Edinburgh was fantastic. I'm well up for doing comedy slots now & am getting gigs all over the place. It's going to be a very long slog - it's *just* like starting up a band again - although I have a feeling that if you are good it's easier to make it in comedy than music - but WHY!?

Comedy does seem to be very competitive, like any art form where you have a chance of being respected - everyone wants to do it. The trouble with comedy is if you're not funny you are just a bunch of shit. However, with music it's totally subjective. I fucking hate R&B and if anyone came near me with any I'd tazer them but that doesn't mean it's somehow not music. Bad comedy is HORRIFIC - lack of confidence, unrecognised self-hatred are all crystal clear once on that stage and everyone can agree when a comic SUCKS.

Anyway - I've got my own little act now largely based on my comics - it was a great head start to have all that material. I have a feeling I could do quite well out of this mainly becuase I'm a girl - it's sad but true to say there aren't many very good female comediennes out there so big fish in a small pond etc etc but also my act is quite different. Almost everyone is self referential, which is fine - but you really run the risk of doing unoriginal material if you just draw experience from your own life. I've already heard many concepts & jokes expressed many times - have some imagination!

Bring on the gigs!

just been looking through my old blog entries - how depressing I never do anything I say I'm going to do. i think the best thing is to never say I'm going to do anything ever - or develop some kind of presentation that implies I don't really mean it anyway. That's one of my problems - I always sound like I mean everything, even when I mean it as a joke which is pretty much always. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I mean things - I just double take and thing "Did I really mean that - well I sounded like I did"

I did a clowning course recently - I had been really looking forwards to it, I've never done any kind of theatre course like that and I'd always secretly wanted to. It's one of my guilty desires to do performance of some kind - but guilty why?? What's wrong with wanting that - I dunno, there just is in my mind.

Anyway the course was fantastic. It was extremely challenging and I did alot of stuff that really sucked and I just felt really bad about it after but I have to admit that I had some really good moments too. Dealing with the bad moments was all part of it anyway & I am really pleased with it overall - it was very encouraging. There were some amazingly funny people on the course, I had no choice but to be in awe of them. A few people including the teacher said I should do stand-up - it's been mentioned in the past and I find the idea of it horrifying but after doing this course I think it's somehting I'd like to persue, at least try out. Comedy is my most favouritest thing in the world - even more than music, I have to give it a go - what have I got to lose apart from the last scraps of my self esteem and dignity?

In light of all this I'm going to edinburgh to do a stand-up course. I could have done it in london but I fancied the holiday. Typically my scotland pals are in london the whole of that week, balls.

Wow - less than a week until Glastonbury - I'm extremely excited. Go on - somebody knock me out, somebody knock me out until glastobury - a short coma would do it - but not one of those ones with brain damage or loss of movement. That would be the definition of 'backfiring' if I awoke from my peaceful coma to the sound of a car beeping waiting to take me to the festival and I'd forgotten how to walk - that would be SHIT. Actually forget the whole coma thing, I'll just sit it out.

Just finished a contract at CHANNEL 4 yes - CHANNEL 4. Pretty impressive huh? And do you know what? I actually enjoyed it - no complaints at all. I mean I enjoyed it as much as you can enjoy being imprisoned for 40 hours a week in a stuffy office in Victoria with terrible coffee - but really it was as good as it gets. Nice simple work, plenty of it, relaxed about hours, nice people, no meetings, cool website, TV At my desk!! yes and at EVERYONE'S desk - you just get to sit there with the telly on watching whatever - how great is that? Although there isn't very much on in the day - even on cable. It's amazing - Sky TV really hasn't changed at all in about 20 years. Apart from the odd new HBO show or whatever it's all exactly as I remember it. MASH, Frasier, Cheers, the Simpsons, friends - it just goes on and on. What a pointless waste of time SKY TV is - and to think so many people must sit glued to it all day and all night. Just the same endless crap again and again and again. I'm certainly not against TV - I still watch alot of downloaded shows - but some shows are a real artform. I think the sooner TV becomes downloadable or 'on demand' the better. Even the most avid TV junkie would think twice about actually downloading some of these shows.

I have to admit to watching a bit of Big Brother during the day - and it's the LIVE coverage. These people are awful - listening to these people converse is like hearing a circular saw go though aluminum. All they do is bitch and complain ALL the time! How spoilt do these people have to be!? I can't believe how utterly pathetic they all are. I remember really liking the first series - that girl Anna & Darren were genuinely funny and the house seemed to have a really great atmosphere. Now they just get these fucking morons in who spend the whole time complaining about every little fucking thing that comes into their mind. Is this really better television? Is this what people really prefer than a bunch of ordinary people having a laugh. Reading that back - it's all awful television really - but BB just seemed to have more of a spark back then.