Yesterday I did my big Tescos shop - a luxury I can only afford (time-wise) when off work. I always go way over the top and buy too much stuff. Last time I went it was ridiculous - it was SO heavy and one of the bags ended up breaking & a flatmate had to come and rescue me. This time I thought ahead and brought my massive camping bag with me - eco friendly aswell! I noticed when I got into the supermarket that there was someone else with an empty rucksack - I felt pleased - and then annoyed that someone had thought of the same idea. So, i got all this great stuff & went to the checkout. The camping bag I had was gigantic anyway so I had no trouble getting everything in. The checkout guy said to me "too much stuff" and I thought 'fuck off too much stuff!' I could see he was right though. I had already set aside the more dangerous items such as the cream and the juices to keep it separate from everything else, I cleverly placed the doughnuts in a lower compartment. I lifted the bag back onto the trolley and it weighed an enormous amount - how on earth was I going to get it home? "Too much shopping" - the man repeated "I'm not going far" I lied.

I pushed the trolley out into the car park & lifted this enormous bag onto the edge of the trolley so it was at the right height for my back. I tried to get it on my back but the whole bag plunged back into the trolley with an almighty crash. Mothers were already ushering their children away at this point. On an unrelated note, I noticed a massive wedge of fully wrapped jarlsberg on the top of the bin - I put it imediately into my bag, £2.70 worth, not bad at all! I eventually managed to get this monster onto my back - it was so fucking heavy, heavier than anything I've taken to Glastonbury and I've taken chairs, guitars and tents.

I stumbled over to the bus stop, this wasn't going to be so bad after all. The bus arrived immediately, luckily it wasn't too full so I could have a whole chair for my bag. That's when the leaking started. I tried to tell myself it wasn't a leak - it was just something cold, yes something cold - maybe the frozen pies. Cold things always feel wet. I didn't have far to go - I was hoping it would contain itself until I got off the bus. Then the dripping started - it was the cream, a litre of cream. It wasn't dripping very much - I lifted the bag up suddenly worrying about the doughnuts - cream started pouring out onto the floor and all over the seat "Err conductor, I'm really sorry there's been a terrible spillage" I fix eyes with this absolutely horrified city type man, he just couldn't believe anyone could spill cream on a bus, he'd seen it all now. My stop arrived in minutes - I picked the bag up and SWUNG it onto my back - oh the cream splashed out, the cream splasheth. Luckily it didn't seem to hit anyone but this bloke was looking at me in the most disgusted way - he really looked like he was going to flip out. I almost wished he had got covered in cream.