I have a *great* first gig story!!

I arrived at this place ay 7pm knowing I had to flyer the club. What I didn't realise is it was flyering with a golf sale style sign. I jokingly said to the promoter:
"Please don't make me hold the sign - I don't want to prove my parents right that I would be holding one of these for a living"
"If you don't like it you can fuck off home" he replied - not a good start to my comedy career.

Those signs weigh a TON - I couldn't get the thing up the stairs without smashing up the place a bit & I dropped the flyers everywhere. It was a lot like carrying a cross 'One crucifix each - line on your right'. I started to get into this weird downtrodden comedian character - just trying to make a living. You're supposed to stay still with these signs but I thought it was much funnier to drag it around & go up to people and be really overbearing -



"Would you like to come and see the funny people sir? They do treat me well"
"Please come along, they won't let me drink any water until I've given out these flyers."
...and my personal favorite -
"You can bring your rucksack if you like sir..." As the gentleman passed me I realised that far from being a rucksack he was carrying a baby on his back! How I laughed.

Most people were very amused by my antics - however the following people were NOT:

1. Posher than posh opera & theatre goers - they look like something out of a dickens novel and they are so rich they can barely even speak. They just hurry past me wincing as if I'm a homeless person trying to wank on them.

2. Young Equinox goers or general teen-plant-life. I had a couple of girls just staring and staring at me with this big fucking scowl on their centimeter deep makeup faces. "What's her problem? I fink she finks she's funny or something" Oh go back to Watford you silly bitches.

3. The classic of people coming up going "Gaaahn - tell us a joke then, tell us a joke!" Oh go and FUCK each other - do you go up to a vicar demanding they "Do a eulogy, do a eulogy!" Wankers. Although admittedly I wish I did have a cracking little joke to tell people when they asked me that, but I don't - I just have this one liner about new Orleans and another about the AIDS monkey.

Anyway - after about 2 hours we were allowed to stop, The promoter looks annoyed "We almost always sell out on a Friday and we haven't tonight..." I immediately feel guilty "I think I heard someone say Cats is free tonight". To add to the humiliation - none of the comics are actually allowed in the venue - we all have to hovel together in a corridor by the kitchen. It's amazing how making a complete twat of yourself in London's biggest tourist area can prepare you for something like this, I wasn't nervous at all - the problem is I can't get out of this downtrodden character - I'm going through my lines but they are coming out wierd.

The first guy goes on, he comes back 8 minutes later - as white as a sheet - looks like he's going to cry "Steve's here" - all the other comedians gasp & hold their heads "Who the FUCk is Steve!??" I rightly ask. Turns out Steve is this mentally ill guy that often comes along to this night - he doesn't shut up the whole time with a mixture of mental guy noises and genuine heckles - I'm mortified, and on after the interval.

Well the gig went OK - everyone seemed to like me & I didn't get too much hassle off that Steve guy - I told him he reminded me of my dad (cause he's sick too) and complimented him on his phone and he pretty much left me alone. We were actually allowed into the venue for the 3rd section - I was eager to see what the competition gets up to - I was less than impressed. The compare seemed to think it would be a good idea to warm up the crown by threatening & verbally abusing the resident spacker - the crowd were completely dead by now, the compare was totally losing it & the guy next to me is going on next - he just said "I want to go home, I want to go home now"

So there you go - all in all I went very well, the promoter said that I was excellent for an act that had done fuck all gigs and excellent for an act that had done 50+ - I was very flattered - nobody really laughed that much, I just got that kind of nervous "I don't get it but you're funnee" laughs - mind you I'm a very poor judge of audience I always think nobody laughs & then when I record it & hear laughter I figure it's because the mic was too near one of those people that just laughs at everything.