just been looking through my old blog entries - how depressing I never do anything I say I'm going to do. i think the best thing is to never say I'm going to do anything ever - or develop some kind of presentation that implies I don't really mean it anyway. That's one of my problems - I always sound like I mean everything, even when I mean it as a joke which is pretty much always. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I mean things - I just double take and thing "Did I really mean that - well I sounded like I did"

I did a clowning course recently - I had been really looking forwards to it, I've never done any kind of theatre course like that and I'd always secretly wanted to. It's one of my guilty desires to do performance of some kind - but guilty why?? What's wrong with wanting that - I dunno, there just is in my mind.

Anyway the course was fantastic. It was extremely challenging and I did alot of stuff that really sucked and I just felt really bad about it after but I have to admit that I had some really good moments too. Dealing with the bad moments was all part of it anyway & I am really pleased with it overall - it was very encouraging. There were some amazingly funny people on the course, I had no choice but to be in awe of them. A few people including the teacher said I should do stand-up - it's been mentioned in the past and I find the idea of it horrifying but after doing this course I think it's somehting I'd like to persue, at least try out. Comedy is my most favouritest thing in the world - even more than music, I have to give it a go - what have I got to lose apart from the last scraps of my self esteem and dignity?

In light of all this I'm going to edinburgh to do a stand-up course. I could have done it in london but I fancied the holiday. Typically my scotland pals are in london the whole of that week, balls.