Yehhh - Pear Shaped is COOL - really like it there, although usually there are more comedians than punters - on a good night it's about 50/50. They have 3 different compares - BRIAN DAMAGE & KRYSSTAL do great silly songs & very fine stand-up - there's this bloke JIMBO who's just this mad old guy and he looks JUST like a friend of mine HOOTON but olded up - he has all these AWFUL jokes but he's just hilarious anyway & keeps on forgetting everything. He was comparing one night & this Chinese girl did a set - he came on after & said "Ohh - sorry about those Chinese jokes earlier........ hang on... I didn't do them". Anthony Miller is the other chap who looks like a paedo & does really good political stuff & he's clearly very experienced but in a very silly way .

All the other acts were good tonight - all had a years+ experience which was very encouraging cause they all had excellent on stage personas & so it just shows that comes with experience. The material was pretty so-so for most of them, it was all about the delivery - very encouraging.

I felt good up there tonight, I did a whole new set as my old stuff was getting too character driven & it was annoying me.

I've just started a new contract and it's bloody boring. I must be very sensitive to environments cause this job is no different to anywhere else and yet the day just drags along - it's unbelievable how slowly it goes. The agency who got me this job said "Ohh you'll love the office it's mad there - they have a bar and everything!" - a bar, at work, how exciting, those hedons - imagine if you will, an office - right? But with a bar at the ground floor!! Now you might be forgiven for thinking that's a bit like an office - with a bar NEAR it - but you'd be wrong, this is much much MUCH more depressing.

Please note I am about to backdate 2 blog entries to correspond with gigs I done did.

Look into the passsst young ranger *vanishes*

I have a *great* first gig story!!

I arrived at this place ay 7pm knowing I had to flyer the club. What I didn't realise is it was flyering with a golf sale style sign. I jokingly said to the promoter:
"Please don't make me hold the sign - I don't want to prove my parents right that I would be holding one of these for a living"
"If you don't like it you can fuck off home" he replied - not a good start to my comedy career.

Those signs weigh a TON - I couldn't get the thing up the stairs without smashing up the place a bit & I dropped the flyers everywhere. It was a lot like carrying a cross 'One crucifix each - line on your right'. I started to get into this weird downtrodden comedian character - just trying to make a living. You're supposed to stay still with these signs but I thought it was much funnier to drag it around & go up to people and be really overbearing -



"Would you like to come and see the funny people sir? They do treat me well"
"Please come along, they won't let me drink any water until I've given out these flyers."
...and my personal favorite -
"You can bring your rucksack if you like sir..." As the gentleman passed me I realised that far from being a rucksack he was carrying a baby on his back! How I laughed.

Most people were very amused by my antics - however the following people were NOT:

1. Posher than posh opera & theatre goers - they look like something out of a dickens novel and they are so rich they can barely even speak. They just hurry past me wincing as if I'm a homeless person trying to wank on them.

2. Young Equinox goers or general teen-plant-life. I had a couple of girls just staring and staring at me with this big fucking scowl on their centimeter deep makeup faces. "What's her problem? I fink she finks she's funny or something" Oh go back to Watford you silly bitches.

3. The classic of people coming up going "Gaaahn - tell us a joke then, tell us a joke!" Oh go and FUCK each other - do you go up to a vicar demanding they "Do a eulogy, do a eulogy!" Wankers. Although admittedly I wish I did have a cracking little joke to tell people when they asked me that, but I don't - I just have this one liner about new Orleans and another about the AIDS monkey.

Anyway - after about 2 hours we were allowed to stop, The promoter looks annoyed "We almost always sell out on a Friday and we haven't tonight..." I immediately feel guilty "I think I heard someone say Cats is free tonight". To add to the humiliation - none of the comics are actually allowed in the venue - we all have to hovel together in a corridor by the kitchen. It's amazing how making a complete twat of yourself in London's biggest tourist area can prepare you for something like this, I wasn't nervous at all - the problem is I can't get out of this downtrodden character - I'm going through my lines but they are coming out wierd.

The first guy goes on, he comes back 8 minutes later - as white as a sheet - looks like he's going to cry "Steve's here" - all the other comedians gasp & hold their heads "Who the FUCk is Steve!??" I rightly ask. Turns out Steve is this mentally ill guy that often comes along to this night - he doesn't shut up the whole time with a mixture of mental guy noises and genuine heckles - I'm mortified, and on after the interval.

Well the gig went OK - everyone seemed to like me & I didn't get too much hassle off that Steve guy - I told him he reminded me of my dad (cause he's sick too) and complimented him on his phone and he pretty much left me alone. We were actually allowed into the venue for the 3rd section - I was eager to see what the competition gets up to - I was less than impressed. The compare seemed to think it would be a good idea to warm up the crown by threatening & verbally abusing the resident spacker - the crowd were completely dead by now, the compare was totally losing it & the guy next to me is going on next - he just said "I want to go home, I want to go home now"

So there you go - all in all I went very well, the promoter said that I was excellent for an act that had done fuck all gigs and excellent for an act that had done 50+ - I was very flattered - nobody really laughed that much, I just got that kind of nervous "I don't get it but you're funnee" laughs - mind you I'm a very poor judge of audience I always think nobody laughs & then when I record it & hear laughter I figure it's because the mic was too near one of those people that just laughs at everything.

Well. Well well well. Well.

The aforementioned course in Edinburgh was fantastic. I'm well up for doing comedy slots now & am getting gigs all over the place. It's going to be a very long slog - it's *just* like starting up a band again - although I have a feeling that if you are good it's easier to make it in comedy than music - but WHY!?

Comedy does seem to be very competitive, like any art form where you have a chance of being respected - everyone wants to do it. The trouble with comedy is if you're not funny you are just a bunch of shit. However, with music it's totally subjective. I fucking hate R&B and if anyone came near me with any I'd tazer them but that doesn't mean it's somehow not music. Bad comedy is HORRIFIC - lack of confidence, unrecognised self-hatred are all crystal clear once on that stage and everyone can agree when a comic SUCKS.

Anyway - I've got my own little act now largely based on my comics - it was a great head start to have all that material. I have a feeling I could do quite well out of this mainly becuase I'm a girl - it's sad but true to say there aren't many very good female comediennes out there so big fish in a small pond etc etc but also my act is quite different. Almost everyone is self referential, which is fine - but you really run the risk of doing unoriginal material if you just draw experience from your own life. I've already heard many concepts & jokes expressed many times - have some imagination!

Bring on the gigs!